Holding On and Letting Go

Last night, I did something I never thought I would do as a mother. I left my baby to cry by herself. In a crib. In the dark. Without me.

Am I the worst mother or what?

Not because I let her cry it out (I think it's not a wrong solution - just not for everyone), but because out of desperation I went against what mattered to me. I did the opposite of what I think is best for my baby - I am forcing her to do something she just isn't ready for. Because I am tired. Because I need a break. Because I doubt my choices as a mom.

She is turning one in a few weeks and already showing signs of independence - learning to walk on her own, showing preference for the kinds of things she eats, and so forth. How did one year go by so fast? One of these days, she will decide that she doesn't want to sleep with mama anymore and will ask for a lock to her own room, maybe even put up a sign that says something like, "Do Not Enter - yes, that's you mom." And then I will think back with much fondness on her clingy neediness and forget about all the long nights of lying on my side ever so quietly while I nurse her to sleep while trying to flip a page of a book I'm reading without the slightest sound.

So why I'm up trying to hurry up the process?

Let it be that she nurses to sleep at night. Let it be that I just won't be able to make any nighttime events for now. Let it be that I am that mom whose baby has not slept through the night. Let it be that I am that mom who holds on for as long as she can because when it's time to let go, I don't want to be sorry I let go too soon.