Holding On and Letting Go

Last night, I did something I never thought I would do as a mother. I left my baby to cry by herself. In a crib. In the dark. Without me.

Am I the worst mother or what?

Not because I let her cry it out (I think it's not a wrong solution - just not for everyone), but because out of desperation I went against what mattered to me. I did the opposite of what I think is best for my baby - I am forcing her to do something she just isn't ready for. Because I am tired. Because I need a break. Because I doubt my choices as a mom.

She is turning one in a few weeks and already showing signs of independence - learning to walk on her own, showing preference for the kinds of things she eats, and so forth. How did one year go by so fast? One of these days, she will decide that she doesn't want to sleep with mama anymore and will ask for a lock to her own room, maybe even put up a sign that says something like, "Do Not Enter - yes, that's you mom." And then I will think back with much fondness on her clingy neediness and forget about all the long nights of lying on my side ever so quietly while I nurse her to sleep while trying to flip a page of a book I'm reading without the slightest sound.

So why I'm up trying to hurry up the process?

Let it be that she nurses to sleep at night. Let it be that I just won't be able to make any nighttime events for now. Let it be that I am that mom whose baby has not slept through the night. Let it be that I am that mom who holds on for as long as she can because when it's time to let go, I don't want to be sorry I let go too soon.

Out-Of-Order

My sink is plugged. There's a couple of inches of yucky water floating in it, a pile of dishes that I'm trying to ignore and I can smell the nastiness from the dining table. Gross.

And then there's the matter of worn out car brakes. Our local car garage gave us an estimate for the repair: $600 that we don't have. Yippee. We turned to my cousin who likes to take cars apart so he can build them back (a fascination I don't understand but very thankful for especially right now) and so hopefully I will get my car back soon without breaking bank. I've been going out and about lugging my baby around sans car for two days now and I think I have lost all the mommy weight I care to lose.

There are days when I want to hang a sign on my forehead that says, "Out-of-Order" and just be non-functional for a few days. Okay, even for just a few hours. Becoming a mother IS all that wonderful, but it's also all that HARD. I wonder sometimes whether I'm not mature enough, responsible enough, organized enough, healthy enough, stable enough, fun enough to pull this motherhood thing off well. But then again, I really have no time to ruminate on such matters anymore. I have a little girl to take care of, whether or not I feel out of sorts.

Lucky sink and car. At least they get to take a break.

A Babywearing Mama Must Have: The OnBag

I've worn my baby girl in a yummy Sakura Bloom Sling practically since she was born. It's been all LOVE until we outgrew it (she got too heavy for a one-shoulder wear) and since then we've used a wrap, a mei-tai and currently the ERGO. It's probably time to graduate to a back carry, but with it comes the big dilemma of how to lug around my diaper bag. Babywearing mamas out there, you totally know what I mean, right?

We were given the SkipHop Messenger bag in gray from my wonderful sister-in-law, Miss L and it works great EXCEPT for when I am wearing N. It looks really cool in the picture below especially if you have the equally cool $900 stroller that we don't have. But my goodness I've lugged that thing around with N safe and comfy in my Ergo and I'm constantly shifting the bag to my left shoulder, and then to the right, and then finally just decide to leave it at home and cross my fingers that I won't need anything in it while out and about.



What's a babywearing mama to do? Search high and low for a diaper bag that meets the following requirements:

1. Must have NO buckles or clips coz they are uncomfortable for mama and baby
2. Must be flexible - can wear as a bag pack or shoulder bag
3. Must have adjustable straps to fulfill requirement #2 better
4. Must have wide straps like a nice wrap for support
5. Must have enough pockets
6. Must be just the right size, not too small and not too big
7. Must look pretty enough but not too much, like it's trying too hard
8. Must be something any mama can make herself

And so search I did and what did I find? Onbag to the rescue!!!!



Go to their website and see for yourself how clever this diaper bag is...and the best part is, the creative genius behind this is a very nice stay at home mama herself who is sharing the pattern for all mamas to make themselves. Love it! Thank you Sarah!!!

I'll keep y'all posted how this project goes, along with the many many projects I have lined up for the next few months!!!

A Cute Dress for a Cute Baby

It's officially spring I guess but you wouldn't be able to tell just by looking outside the window. Regardless, my inner season-radar is alerting me to a lot of projects that ooze a lot of cuteness and sweetness appropriate for warm weather days and a darling baby girl.

Here is project #1: The Must Have Dress



You can buy a DIY kit from LittleFishBigPond Mama at Etsy. Since I'm like a level below a rookie sewer, this would be a good place to start. Then I can just copy her pattern and buy fabrics and make more...heeeeheeeeheee.

I can't wait to get started!

The First Post: WAY Overrated

Writing the first post ever is SUPER stressful for me. For some reason I feel like it has to be some kind of a grand opening and so I keep working on my blog layout for days on end. Of course I realize that I would eventually have to start posting, or else just have a post-less blog which would then NOT be a blog so what's the point? And then I intentionally just butcher the first post or at least pretend that I really don't care if my first post is interesting at all or not by writing a lot of run on sentences and use words like whatever to mask my growing anxiety that this first post is nothing like it ought to be. Whatever. Ugh.

So I guess I'll just have to start my way in this blog the way I would most things in my life: happily stumble forward.